The Imagining
by Inmyownwords92
Summary: If you were given a chance, a re-do, to save the girl you love would you be willing to risk it all? This isn't a love story it is a story about love and loss...and risk.
1. Reality

I placed the fresh bundle of lilies on the ground and sat in front of them. The chill in the air was beginning to seep through my pea coat and settle into my bones. Ironically, it was the perfect weather for a day such as this. The rain had died down just before my trek here and I was glad for that. The cold I could endure, it seemed to be a constant in my life as of late so I adapted, but the rain I couldn't. I sighed and tried to find something to say. The silence was so loud that it could drown out any words that could possibly come from my mouth so I just sat there for a while. I read her name across the gray stone for the millionth time in so many months. _Spencer Carlin, beloved daughter and sister. _The words just always seemed too dull for the vibrant ball of sunshine that Spencer was. She was a firecracker that one. The only woman alive who could tame me by just speaking my name.

"So..." I began, wracking my brain for the words that just would not come. Its been days since I've visited her. Not because I forgot, that would never happen; or that I was busy, because I was never too busy for her but because some days I just couldn't bare to face reality. That she was really gone. It was two years ago today that she was taken from me and it still hasn't sunk in. I don't think it ever will. I still remember it like it was yesterday and the images that play over and over in my head like some sick horror movie make it seem that way as well. Sometimes I wish I could just put it on fucking pause just to have some peace of mind. It was a Sunday, the day that she died. November 17th to be exact. I had gone on another one of my drunken tryst and from there, it all went to hell...

**Flashback:**

_I jiggled my key in the door trying to get it open but the damn thing was not working. I tried to focus my eyes but the alcohol in my system, and the vodka bottle in my hand, were determined to keep me from doing that. Finally I said fuck it and began to bang on the door for Spencer to let me in. She's been pretty pissed with me these last couple of days so it would be just my luck that she decided tonight was the night she would let me sleep in the dog house._

"_Spenccceeerr, lemme in honey!" I yelled and as I did so a chorus of barking dogs began and a few shut ups too. I couldn't blame them seeing as it was nearly two in the morning. I waited a few seconds to see if she was coming but there was nothing. I began to bang again._

"_Spencer oh Spencer let mee in cause...BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE!" I started to sing, pausing to take another gulp from my absolute vodka bottle. It burned so good. I knocked again and again until finally a light came on. SUCCESS. I thought as I heard the locks churning in the door. Finally, it opened up to show a groggy eyed Spencer with bed head._

"_Honey! I'm home!" I yelled as I stumbled inside our loft, nearly tripping over my own two feet. Spencer shushed me and shut the door, locking it behind her. _

"_Ashley, its almost two in the morning and you're drunk." Spencer said as I sat, or more like fell, on the couch and started to remove my boots._

"_I'm not drunk. Just a little, loopy. I ooooonly had two beereees." I said, holding up all five fingers then giggling. Spencer rolled her eyes at me._

"_Yeah two beers time one shot of vodka, three tequila bombs, and four zombies right?" Spencer asked sarcastically. And I couldn't help but laugh. She was so cute when she was mad._

"_It's not funny Ashley. Where were you?" Spencer asked as I opted for just kicking my boots off to relieve the hassle._

"_I was at the library studying for an exam." I said, trying to hold my laughter in but couldn't. It flowed from my lips and that made Spencer even more frustrated. I got up and stumbled over to her. I wrapped my arms around her neck and she supported my body._

"_Oh baby don't be mad." I said pouting and Spencer once again rolled her eyes._

"_Are you forgetting what today is?" She asked and I looked at her puzzled. It certainly wasn't valentines day or our anniversary. Aiden was suppose to ring me when those events were coming up. Also, seeing as its November I've got a few months until them. I tried guessing anyways._

"_Is it valentines day? Ground hog day? Arbor day?" I tried and she sighed exasperated with my antics._

"_Fine I give up. What is today?" I asked with a sloppy smile._

"_My birthday Ashley. My fucking birthday." Oh shit. Spencer removed my arms from around her neck._

"_We had plans Ashley. We were suppose to go out, have fun and celebrate. But while __**you were**__ out, I was here. Alone. Waiting for you. So thanks for that Ash." She said and I felt like a real asshole because the truth is, I totally forgot that today was her birthday. I spoke up._

"_Baaaabe, I'm sorry. I didn't forget its just, well technically it was yesterday. So can you really get mad at me?" I asked with a little laugh and it was about a three second warning before she exploded._

"_Ashley its not a fucking joke! The one time I ask you to be here for me, to stick to something and you flake out. You really don't care anymore do you? Our whole relationship is just one big fucking joke for you huh?" Spencer asked and I was slowly starting to sober up._

"_Spencer it isn't even like that. I love you, you know that. You're blowing this up way bigger than it has to be. I mean I went out, had a few beers and your giving me shit about it. I'm sorry I forgot we had plans for your birthday but Spence...its just a birthday. You will have plenty more." I said and I really wish I hadn't because its was soaked in assholeness but I was drunk so the censor from my brain to my mouth wasn't working properly. Spencer shook her head. Shit._

"_I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I'm drunk and you're yelling at me." I tried to make excuses, whining, but she wasn't hearing it._

"_No, you meant it because if not, then why say it? But you know what its fine. I can tell I'm the only one putting work into this relationship these days and frankly I'm tired of it Ashley. You don't care? Fine, then I don't care. Not anymore." Spencer said grabbing her coat._

"_Spence..." I tried but she shook her head._

"_No Ashley. You really hurt me and not just tonight."_

_She paused and for a moment I was scared. There was a hint of defeat in those crystal blue eyes of her and I panicked._

"_You know its not even really about my birthday. Yes it sucks that you forgot but the thing that kills me is that this just shows that you don't care anymore. About me, this relationship...our future. I think maybe we ne-" I cut her off._

"_Don't you even finish that sentence Spencer. Just don't." I said. I was a fuck up. That was clear as day but I couldn't afford to lose her. _

"_I'm sorry and I will make it up to you. I do care. Sometimes you are all I care about I just-I fucked up this time." I said apologizing._

"_That's become a constant lately Ash and I'm not so sure I can take it anymore. Not at the expense of my heart." Spencer finished and made her way over to the door. She was leaving._

"_Where are you going?" I asked as she pulled her hoodie over her head and put on her converse that were by the door._

"_For a drive. I need to think. Clear my head." Spencer said and all I did was shake my head._

"_Are you coming back?" I asked, hope evident in my voice. Spencer sighed._

"_Of course." She replied and without another glance, she grabbed her keys and left. I could run after her but she said she needed time to think so I would give her that. Plus, there was a possibility that if I did run after her, I would only make things worse. Its kind of what I do. I sighed and then made my way to our room, exhausted and just wanting sleep. She said she would be back and that's what gets me through..._

**AN: So the idea for this story started swirling around in my head a few weeks ago and I think I'm gonna run with it. It's not your typical Spashley story so I just want you guys to know before hand k? Anyways R&R and let me know what you think? 3**


	2. Come Back To Me

_I don't know how long I was out for but when I woke up it was nearly 4:30. I glanced around the dark room as my head throbbed and there was no sign of Spencer. I slowly got out of bed, as not to make my head pound any harder than it did, and made my way to the kitchen. She wasn't in there either. I sighed. She said she would come back, but she never said when._

"_Spencer?" There was no answer so I figured she was most likely at Kyla's fuming about how I forgot her birthday, came home shitty drunk and was an ass. Its absolutely horrible when your girlfriend is best friends with your little sister. That's two strikes against you and I do not recommend it. I then made my way to the bathroom for drugs. My head was killing me and the only thing that could help it was Advil and more sleep. I downed the pills with some water and went back to my room. As soon as I hit the pillow, sleep tugged at my eyelids. Just as I shut them, my phone rang. I groaned and retrieved it from the night stand. I looked at the caller ID and it was Kyla. _

"_Kyla look tell Spencer to come home. Tell her I'm sorry that I forgot about her birthday and that I was drunk and shouldn't have said all that shit to her. It was bitchy of me and I'm really sorry." I said into the receiver._

"_Ashley where have you been! I've been trying to reach you for an hour!" Kyla yelled somewhat frantic._

"_I was asleep. Why? Whats up?" I asked a lot more alert now. Kyla wouldn't just be calling me at 4:30 in the morning because she could. There was a reason._

"_Ashley there was an accident. We're at the hospital...Spencer's hurt really bad." Kyla choked out and I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. I was stuck in a daze for a moment but finally find my voice._

"_What hospital?" I asked, feeling outside of myself._

"_Queen of Angels...Ash hurry." Was all I heard before I hung up. I wasted no time in throwing on clothes and racing to the hospital. If it wasn't almost dawn, at the rate I was going speed wise, I would have gotten so many tickets. When I finally reached the hospital I frantically parked, in handicap might I add, and raced inside. I saw Kyla, Aiden, Glen and Arthur in the waiting room. At the sight of them, my heart sank even further. I didn't even believe in god but I was praying to him now with everything I had in me. Praying that she would be OK. I finally reached Kyla._

"_Ky, what the fuck happened?" I asked wanting answers and now._

"_I-I, th-the police officer, there was a robbery and the fucking guy shot her...h-he-he fucking shot her Ash. Paula was on call so she's in surgery with her. But they said...it doesn't look so good." Kyla said, trying her hardest to chock back the oncoming wave of tears. I looked around at Aiden, at Arthur and finally to Glen...to see if it was true but no one was telling me any different so I believed it. I felt my knees go weak. This could not be happening. This was not happening. I saw a doctor pass and made my way, wobbly albeit, over to him._

"_Um, I-I wanted to know if you could tell me anything about Spencer Carlin?" I asked, really hoping he had some answers. _

"_Are you her family?" He asked and I really didn't have time to deal with this._

"_I'm her girlfriend..can you please just tell me what's going on?" I asked desperately. I was one word away from getting on my knees and begging him to tell me anything. He sighed, folding._

"_Well, the police report says there was a robbery at the quick and stop and Ms. Carlin was shot. There was a single gunshot wound to the abdomen. She's still in surgery but there's a lot of bleeding." He said and with every word he said my heart broke little by little. I tried to speak, to say thank you for the information, but words were a thing of the past. He could see this and he put his hand on my shoulder._

"_We're hoping she pulls through. An excellent team of doctors are working their hardest to bring her out of this. She's fighting... just hang in there." He said and with one last squeeze to my shoulder, he was gone. I stood there for a moment, still trying to process this. My eyes burned with unshed tears as I made my way back over to Kyla and the rest of them. I sat in the ugly orange chair next to Aiden and a crying Kyla. I grabbed her hand tightly and prepared myself for the waiting game. It was a game of Russian roulette for me...With every minute that passed by that the love of my life was on that operating table, was another round until the bullet killed me. _

**AN: Thanks for reading and don't forget to review! It's what keeps me going =]**


	3. Losing You

_Two hours and 3 coffees later, we were still waiting for the verdict. I was back in that orange, ugly, and uncomfortable chair, my leg bouncing from nerves as if I was on speed. I was overcome with that feeling that you get when you're playing hide and seek and you're anxious and have to slightly pee but just know that as soon as the person who's it finds you, you will be faced with eternal doom; and I couldn't shake it. With every doctor that passed, I held my breath, waiting for bad news but secretly trying to trick fate and praying it was good news. I was restless no doubt and I guess it was obvious because Aiden came over and took a seat next to me. He slipped his hand in mine and I smiled weakly. He was truly like a big brother to me._

"_How ya holding up care bear?" Aiden asked and once again I produced a slight smile. His nickname for me was care bear and that's because when I was six, I was permanently attached to a blue care bear that I named Mr. pickle-pants due to the fact that I was oddly obsessed with pickles...don't. Ask. Anyways it stuck. _

"_I'm losing my fucking mind is how I'm holding up. Its been a fucking two hours and no one has told us shit." I fumed, my leg speeding up with every word that left my mouth._

"_I know but maybe they aren't telling us anything because she's fine." He said and I could tell that even he didn't believe that wholeheartedly. I could see it in his green eyes but he gave me a smile anyways. That was his thing, trying to see the hope in every situation. I'm not saying that I didn't see the hope either. I was living on a prayer that she would be fine. Or that this all was a fucking bad nightmare and when I wake up Spencer will be lying next to me, lightly snoring with her blonde hair in a disarray as it was every time I woke up next to her. I was hoping for that. But I was plagued with the possibility that the worst might happen as well. I blew out the breath I had been holding. And as I did, that's when I saw her. The look on Paula's face told me everything. The doctor accompanying her was rubbing her shoulder and tears spilled from her eyes. I bolted up from my seat anyways before anyone else could even register her coming down the hall. I finally reached her._

"_Oh please..." I chocked out, shaking my head frantically. The lump in my throat was threatening to suffocate me at any moment if the pain didn't. I saw the blur that was Arthur encompass Paula in his arms as she broke down. The doctor who was with her, the one I talked to earlier, spoke up. I couldn't comprehend what he was saying though. _

"_She...the gunshot wound...there was a lot of blood...she was fighting...__**she didn't make it.**__" I heard him say through a muffled bubble and I swear I stopped breathing. I couldn't breathe. I clutched at my chest trying my best to suck in air but it was an effort gone unnoticed. She couldn't be gone. Not like this, not after how we left things. I couldn't take it anymore and fell to my knees. Everything was happening so fast, and my head was swimming. She was gone. Spencer Marie Carlin was gone. Before I knew it someone was scooping me up to my feet. It was Aiden._

"_Hey Ashley, Ashley look at me." He said, tears glistening in his green eyes and marking his cheeks. _

"_You have to breathe for me OK, just breathe." I guess my lungs decided to listen to him because I slowly stopped hyperventilating and began breathing._

"_Aiden, I-She's gone." Was all I said before I burst into tears, clutching to him. This wasn't fair. They couldn't just take her from me. It wasn't fair. Aiden held me tightly. I then pushed him away._

"_No. No she can't be gone. I wanna see her." I said. The doctor spoke up._

"_I don't think that's a go-" before he could even finish that objection, I was gone. I bolted to OR 24, taking the stairs to the 5__th__ floor, in search of her. I found it easily but as I reached the room, I stopped in the threshold. I could see her there, lying on that table. I slowly walked further into the room and over to her. I stood next to the table she was lying on. There was blood all over her and I chocked back a sob. I raised my hand to touch her face but hesitated for a moment, then continued to run my finger lightly down her cheek. God this couldn't be happening. _

"_You can't do this to me Spence. You can't just leave me like this. It's not fair." I said through tears. _

"_We have our whole lives ahead of us. Baby please, you have to wake up...please..." I cried even harder. _

"_We-we still have to get married and have little brats that look exactly like us running around. We can name them whatever you want if you just fucking get up. I-I still need to buy you that house you always wanted, with that stupid fucking white picket fence you would never shut up about." I laughed out through the tears remembering how excited she got just talking about it. How her eyes shined whenever she talked about spending the rest of her life with me. I would give anything if they would just open right now and shine extra bright for me in this moment. _

"_But I can't-" I tried to catch my breath through the tears._

"_I can't just do all that stuff by myself...please you have to come back...you can't leave me here alone Spence..." My head was throbbing and she was really gone. I felt like screaming and throwing up at the same time. I felt the emptiness flood to my core as I caressed her cheek with my thumb. She was still warm. I then rested my head on her chest, waiting to hear the sound of her heart beat but all I heard was the silence. I nearly chocked on the gagging sound of my cry, as my tears spilled all over her. I wished that this was a movie where my tears could bring her back to life. A fairytale of sorts. But I knew this wasn't and all the tears in the world wouldn't bring her back to me. I had to get out of here but my legs wouldn't move. They knew better than to leave her side. But I needed to leave because if I didn't go now, I'd never want to leave. I straightened up._

"_I love you. Goodbye Spencer." Was all I said as I pressed a kiss to her forehead, then her lips and left the room. My legs were like jello and as soon as I entered the elevator to go back down to the lobby, I collapsed. I slid down the wall of the elevator, tears spilling over as if they could save my life. Hers. I was shaking and some of her blood was on my hands. Figuratively and literally. I wiped my hands across my shirt, trying desperately to get it off. I couldn't so I stopped trying. As I watched the blue numbers in the elevator count down each floor, I felt it was counting down to something else as well. Counting down until I completely fell apart. Until I burned up from the inside out. Until the bullet finally annihilated me. I heard the ding and the double doors opened up, showing the lobby. I slowly stood on shaking legs and began to face reality. Spencer was dead and inside, I died a little too. _

After Spencer died, her mother placed all the blame on me. She constantly told me that I was the reason her daughter was dead. This is because I told her why Spencer was out that late, that we had a fight and that only fueled her fire. And if I'm being honest, for a while I believed I was to blame too. If I wouldn't have come home drunk that night, if I wouldn't have forgotten her birthday, if I wasn't such a fuck up she would have never left and she would still be here. She would have never died, bleeding and afraid on some dingy quick mart floor. It would have never happened. It took a lot of therapy sessions for me to finally see that and let it go. It wasn't my fault that some asshole decided to take her life. It just wasn't. I didn't even go to her funeral. I couldn't and maybe that was selfish of me, not to mourn her but I couldn't do it. Kyla did though and she said a lot of people showed up. I figured as much. She also said everyone asked where I was but she just gave them a weak smile. What could she say? That Spencer's death fucked me up so bad I was practically catatonic for months? Yeah I guess she could but where's the mystery in that?

And I was...practically catatonic I mean. I couldn't eat and whenever I tried to sleep it would only produce nightmares. So I stayed awake most of the time. Just looking through old photos of Spencer and I. Kyla and Aiden were really worried for a while but there really was nothing anyone could do, except let the depression run its course. Some days now, though, I still feel like just wallowing and most days I do. It just isn't the same without her. I grew up with her and when a person you've know more than half of your life is just taken from you, plucked out of your world, it fucks you up. I knew her since I was eight and loved her since I was twelve and now she isn't here anymore. She would have been twenty four yesterday. I glanced at my watch and it read 1:30. I sighed. I had been just sitting her for about an hour and a half. It usually happened liked this. I would come, lay flowers on her grave, run memories of her and I over and over and into the ground in my head, talk to her for a bit then leave. In the beginning, I thought talking to a slab of stone was ridiculous but after I tried it, I found it helped. A lot. It felt like I was really talking to her and I guess I was.

"You remember the first time we met? It was third grade, Mrs. Campanella's class. Madison had dipped the end of your pigtails in red ink and you were a blubbering fool. The teacher could not get you to shut up. I was an ass even back then but something about you crying broke my little 8yr old heart. I remember going up to you and asking you why you were upset." I said, reminiscing. Third grade was a good year for me.

"Oh god, I couldn't even comprehend what you said until Aiden told me what your baby tears translated into. I didn't like seeing you cry, even back then, so I punched Madison in her little ugly face for you and that made you laugh while she cried to the teacher, fussing of how I had blinded her." I said laughing to myself. It was really funny but also what Madison got. I remember Kyla telling me that Madison came to the funeral. Its been a few days since I've seen her and I should really give her a call. I'm sure Kyla would jump for joy about that.

"That's how the rival between me and Madison began and lasted all the way into high school. You were an original Helen of Troy Spence. Also the only 8 yr old to rock red streaks." I said laughing a little more. It wasn't until senior year that Madison and I came to our senses and made up. We realized that there was more to life than 'high school.' Yes, she was a major bitch some times but a really good person. She was part of the trio that helped me get myself back little by little after Spencer died.

"Oh hey! I brought you something...well besides the flowers." I said laughing. I then retrieved a coin from my pocket.

"It's a double sided buffalo nickle. I found it lodged between the train tracks on my way over here. It reminded me of the one I gave you on you're 13th birthday. I figured this one could possibly be it because I mean there can't be many of these lucky sucker's in the world right?" I asked holding the nickle in my hand. Some days I wish she could just answer. That she would walk up behind me, call me crazy for talking to a piece of stone that wasn't even her and tell me to come home. That would be heaven for me. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't. You would think that after two years of crying I would be all cried out but I guess not.

"God I miss you Spence. Every day it gets a little easier but it still doesn't change the fact that you're gone. Sometimes I wish I could just let you go but then I take it back because that's selfish. Kyla says its not. She says that as long as I don't forget about you, letting you go is what I need to do. I don't believe her though because the last time I checked, she didn't have a degree in psychotherapy." I said laughing, wiping at the stray tears.

"I just wish we could have one more day. I would do anything just to have you back in my life. To get to hold you, tell you how much I love you, kiss you, hug you, make love to you. I wish I could have all of those things back. The things I took for granted when we were together. The things I neglected. I just-I just wish I could have it all back. Just for one day." I finally finished. I was emotionally exhausted so I took that as my queue to go.

"Fuck..." I sighed out and stood, brushing myself off. I looked at the coin in my hand, kissed it and laid it atop the grave marker. I then kissed my fingers and ran it across her name.

"I love you. So very much." I said, smiling then walking away. I put my hands in my pocket and ventured home. To do what? I don't know but I couldn't stay here all day. As much as I would love to talk to her...about everything. It was all still just too much...

**AN: Hey guys thanks for reading. I appreciate it and the wonderful reviews. Let me know what you think of this chapter by reviewing yea? It's what keeps me going =]**


	4. Breathe Through

Once I finally made it home, I did what I always do. I crawled back in my bed and shut out the world. Not the best way to deal with things but its the only way I knew how because maybe if I shut it all out it wouldn't be real anymore. Her death wouldn't be real and I wouldn't be so broken. If I shut out the world I would be able to hold on to the memories for a little while longer. I was so afraid that I would forget them if I did try living again. Forget what she looked like, how she smelled, that smile of hers, how we spent our weekends cuddled on the couch, her touch, her taste. I'm so afraid to forget. It's my biggest fear that I will forget her. My mind was racing and I wanted to do nothing but sleep. Forget that she was gone for a little while and meet her in my dreams. So its what I did. I pulled the covers over my head and began to doze off into a light sleep...

_**I was walking down the street. It was cold and dark. The only light that illuminated the pavement were the weak street lamps, it was enough to see the bits around me but it wasn't very bright. She left quite angry at me and I wanted nothing to do but make it right. I had sobered up a little so that way I wouldn't develop a bad case of foot in the mouth again when I apologized. I already knew where she was. She didn't tell me but I know. Even though it was nearly two in the morning I knew where she was. The corner liquor store buying a carton of ice cream. Chunky Monkey to be exact. Its what she always did when we got in a fight, which was kind of constant lately. It was mostly my fault because I would come home drunk and pick at her just to make myself feel better. I knew it was shitty but when I was drunk I just couldn't seem to help myself. **_

_**I rounded the corner and saw the light from the liquor store spilling its brightness onto the pavement and lighting the night a little more. I didn't know what I was going to say but I knew that I needed to apologize for being a major ass. I saw this guy enter the store and was about to follow suit until something caught my eye. I bent down to pick it up and realized it was a double sided buffalo nickle. It was kind of like the one I gave Spencer for her birthday once before so I stuck it in my pocket, hoping it would bring me good luck with this sticky situation I was in. I continued my trek to the store when I heard a loud pop. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me. I looked around but there was no one in sight. I heard the loud pop again and the guy who had just entered the store take off out of it at full speed. Shit. **_

_**I wasted no time in sprinting it the rest of the way to the store. When I got in side, the image in front of me took my breath away. Spencer was sprawled out on the floor of the freezer aisle and the clerk was dead. I rand, sliding to my knees, in front of Spencer. She was still conscious but shaking. **_

"_**Spencer!"**_

I shot up out of my bed in a cold sweat, having screamed out Spencer's name. It was that stupid dream again. Every night I have the same dream and every night I try my best to save her but I never do. I never make it in time but this time was different. I saw that nickle. The buffalo nickle. Every time I get side tracked and every time its by something different but never has it been that nickle. I sighed and blew out my breath. I wish that stupid fucking dream would just stop. I laid back in my bed, pulling the covers up to me close, but not daring to close my eyes. If I did then I would picture her...bleeding, with tears running down her face. Suddenly, without any warming, Kyla busted through my bed room door.

"Rise and shine princess!" She yelled rather loudly. She then crossed the room to my windows and pulled the curtains on everyone of them open. I flinched at the sudden light that flooded the once completely dark room. The sun was beginning to come out and I loathed it. I rolled my eyes at Kyla's antics and pulled the covers back over my head.

"No. Go away Kyla." I said and it came out muffled due to my comforter. I heard her foot steps coming towards me and before I could fight she was pulling the cover from over my head.

"Get up Ashley. Now. It's quite lovely outside, now that the rain is gone and we are going out to eat." She said, not even asking. Kyla did this all the time. She made it her goal in life to get me back on that horse called life. Her words, not mine.

"No Kyla go away. I just want to lie here and be alone." I said but I knew she wasn't going to leave it at that. She wasn't going to let me have my way.

"No." Was all she said and that's when I began to whine.

"Why not?" I whined and she sat on the edge of my bed.

"Because it has been two years since you have actually done...anything and you need to stop wallowing. Ash but you have to start living again. I know she was your girlfriend but she was my best friend and she would hate to see you like this. Depressed and not living at all." Kyla said and even though I hate to admit it, she was right. Spencer wouldn't want me to be wallowing. She would want me to be living life, having fun.

"I know Kyla but its just hard for me. You don't know what it's like. To have to see her face every time I close my eyes, to remember what it was like kissing her." I said and Kyla shook her head.

"That's not true. I do know what its like. To have the memories play over and over on a time loop breaking you with each one that passes. I do know what it's like Ashley. I just choose not to let it run my life." She said giving me a sad smile. I sighed knowing it was the truth. Like she said, Spencer may have been my girlfriend but she was also Kyla's best friend.

"You know every night I have the same dream. Its dark and cold and I'm walking to that liquor store, in hopes to apologize to her but every night...I never make it. I never get to apologize and I never get to save her. I relive her death every night and I can't take it any more Ky. I can't. I just want to shut everything out." I said to her, tears in my eyes. They betrayed me and spilled over. I wiped them away quickly.

"You want me to start living again? Well the truth is I can't because its not living if I'm without her." I said, more tears spilling over the brim. Kyla did nothing but wrap me in a hug and I relished in it. I cried harder when I felt her touch. She rubbed my back until my sobs died down and then finally let me go.

"I know it gets too much to handle Ashley but you have to try. For me, for Aiden but most of all for yourself. Please, just come out to lunch with me. I'll show you it's not that scary." Kyla said with a slight smile and I returned it.

"Alright then but just lunch." I said giving her an eye and her smile was even wider now.

"I promise just lunch." She reassured. Kyla then gave me another quick hug and rose from her position on my bed.

"Alright well why don't you take a shower because...you smell a little ripe and I'll wait for you down stairs." Kyla said and I cut my eyes at her. I then sniffed my armpit and to tell you the truth I did smell a little ripe. Kyla laughed at this and I threw a pillow at her while she was distracted with laughing at my lack of hygiene.

"Hey!" She said throwing it back, only to have me catch it.

"Alright I'm gonna be down stairs. And don't take five million years Ashley." Kyla said as she began to leave the room.

"I won't. Promise." I said, rising from my bed and going to my closet. I pulled out whatever and proceeded to take a shower. I only agreed to go out to lunch with Kyla because I know Spencer wouldn't want me to live miserably. I knew I had to try and gain some resembles of a life back. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but no one ever said it would be this fucking hard either. After I got out of the shower and put on my clothes I took a long hard look in the mirror. I looked nothing like myself. I looked drained and hollow. Just like I felt. I took a deep breath and let it out.

"You can do this Ashley. It's just lunch." I said to myself, giving myself a little pep talk for the coming events of the afternoon. I then proceeded to blow dry my hair and as soon as I was done I put on my converse and went down stairs to meet Kyla. When I reached down stairs she was lounging on my couch watching the cooking channel. As soon as she noticed my presence she rose from the couch.

"Ugh finally! Why do you take so long in the shower? You could have saved you're happy time for later." She said with a chuckle and I laughed too but still smacked her in the head. She feigned hurt while rubbing her head.

"Let's get out of here. We're suppose to be meeting Chelsea, Glen, and Aiden at the Diner." She said and I stopped in my tracks. She didn't say everyone was coming.

"Kyla you didn't say that everyone and their mom was going to lunch." I said and she rolled her eyes.

"What's a few more people?" She said grabbing me by the arm and dragging me out of my front door. I sighed. I wasn't getting out of this one so the only thing I could do was suck it up and try to make the best of it...

**AN: So did you guys enjoy that? I know the story sounds like it can't go anywhere with Spencer being dead and all but it will. I promise lol Just keep reading. Sorry its been forever since I've posted for this story but hopefully there are still some lovely readers out there. Anyways R&R and I will love you guys forever =D3**


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